Episode: Dr. Wells is Missing
Original Airdate: 03/29/1974
Happy Sunday! EI and Scoot from Damian Thomas Films Etc . are back and ready to rock!! At least I hope so – Scoot went out last night to drink Boilermakers and do cocaine out of stripper’s bellybuttons so I hope he’s ready. I see him over there on the couch. I wonder if I should go get him some Milk of Magnesia. The show begins in 3 – 2- 1 – GO!
EI: SCOOT!! SCOOT!!! Wake up!! The show is about to start!! Get your ass up!!
EI: WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU???? GET UP!!!! DAMMIT!!!!!
EI: @#$%ing &@#$%$#@ %$#@#$#@@# you $%$#@#$!!!!!
EI: SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH In this episode Dr Wells (the spritely, hairy lipped man who built Steve’s arm and legs) is off to Austria get his Doctorate awarded. But the first night in the hotel he gets KIDNAPPED!!!!! An Austrian cartel with the Italian last name of Tucelli wants Wells to build them their very own bionic army!!! Will he do it??? Will Austin save the day??? %$#@!!!!!
EI: I wonder if I should get Scoot a doctor……
DR WELLS: May I be of service???
EI: DOCTOR WELLS!!!!
EI: Will you check on this %$#@#$er and see if he’s going to die?? Please use the largest rectal thermometer you have….
DR WELLS: In my career I have found that the most accurate procedure for collecting the body’s temperature is to forgo the analog devices and utilize that which God has given us, my middle and index finger.
DR WELLS: Here comes the Choo Choo!!!! *SCHLUUUUUUUUUUUURP*
EI: OH MY!
EI: So – Steve is sent to Austria to rescue his buddy and – in the best series of scenes yet in this series, he fights four men at once – in slow motion with tons of slow motion screams and slow motion men flying through the air. It was absolutely fantastic and one of the reasons this show was so popular.
DR WELLS: I say! I have never, in my career, registered an odor so foul. Yet, I do believe he’ll live. *WIPE WIPE*
EI: He better! He owes me money………
EI: That’s all for today! Except for this: